The hardest thing to let go of

I've talked lately about how I'm going through and giving up many of my things. I hope that letting go of many of my possessions will make my life simpler and easier and cheaper. While considering how having things affects my life, I thought of an intangible that I cling to: ego.

I think I'm only about as self-centered as an average person should be, it's not that I think I'm especially great or anything. It's more in the context of Buddhism that I refer to ego. In order to be enlightened or to eliminate suffering, according to Buddhism, you have to let go of self. To be honest, that scares the crap out of me.

This blog is one of the most obvious outward manifestations of my ego. It doesn't have to be. If I stop looking to see how many people notice me, and concentrate instead on writing and goals, it can be a tool for personal growth rather than a competition of sorts to see how many people I can get to subscribe (an abysmal number at best). If I stop writing to an imaginary audience, I wonder what I'll write about.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to lose my ego, but the least I can do is be more aware of when it motivates and influences me.

Clutter removal

In just under two weeks I'll be moving in with Jay. His place is completely furnished and decorated, and my clutter isn't needed (nor wanted by me). I've been spending every waking moment at home going through my worldly belongings, some of which have been stashed away and following me around for years. Last night I threw away my postcard collection (correspondence with no real "worth") and tonight I'll give away my bouncy-ball collection to my niece. It's been difficult for me to let many things go, but I know removing clutter from my life will help me with my financial goals. There are so many things that I've bought or been given that I haven't used at all. It's forced me to face those things, cut my losses, and look at how I can avoid it in the future.

The few things I'll keep are very thought out, and we'll find some way to incorporate them into his style so completely different from mine.

Link Love Lazeday

Sunday is supposed to be my day to get things done at home, but generally ends up being lazy. Enter procrastination via blogging! Here, enjoy my first link love post!

Heavy Petal reviewed ladybugs. Yeah, actual ladybugs and their effectiveness in fighting off evil aphids.

Sewing Stars shows off some adorable sewn veggies.

Forget the impact on your waistline, No Credit Needed looks at the cost benefit to dropping pop from your grocery budget. (But calls it "soda", which is clearly wrong;)

And my nomination for yummiest sounding cupcakes of the week: Snickerdoodle cupcakes.

Getting in backpacking shape

I went for a fantastic hike on Saturday. Jay had to spend the day in studying for a final and so I decided to go out alone. It was supposed to rain all day, but when the weather seemed fair, albeit windy, I set out in search of a multi-geocache with an estimated round trip of 4 miles. I need to get some consistent workouts to prepare for backpacking. I've never gone for that long of a hike alone and was pretty excited about the prospect. With no distractions I could completely immerse myself.

After I'd been out for about 1.5mi, I could hear the storms approaching. I decided to tough it out, and donned my raincoat despite the heat. The day just became more beautiful as the rain fell. I stumbled upon a huge toad that covered my entire palm. And I was searching for one of the last waypoints I discovered the most amazing moth, just out of its cocoon and drying its wings. I stood for ages just staring and snapping pictures.



The terrain was easy, but the distance was substantial for me and included a daypack. I was proud that I kept good posture, and it was only when I neared the end that I began to feel fatigued. Now I just need to do this more often. My goal is once each week to get a sizable hike in.

JP Morgan Chase Corporate Challenge Rochester Race Report

It was a beautiful day compared to the past two years I ran it. I was much, much less in shape but I did pretty well for my level of fitness. I ran/walked as such: run 1 mi, walk 1/4mi, run 1mi, walk 1/4mi, run 1mi. I finished with an official time of 56:24, which is considerably slower than last year, but not my slowest (also a run/walk). For my actual time, subtract the approx. 5 minutes it took me to make it to the starting line.

Our company had our biggest turnout ever, more than twice our previous attendance. There were a total of 29 of us registered, plus various other supporters. We had food, laughs, and look forward to next year.

I had an epiphany this morning. I keep looking for this fancy answer to my shin pain, but maybe it is just due to tight calves! Commence stretching!

Making friends

I've never been good at making online friends. Not that I've won any popularity contests on either plane of existence. It has always seemed to me that the people that are best at making friends online lack those same skills for the real world. Me, I fall somewhere in between, leaning more toward the real world, but I'm not sure why. I've decided that not only do my real-world personal interactions need some work, my online ones do too.

As I've mentioned, the attention I'm giving in the real-world is to listening. Online, I am going to shift my attention to talking. I read quite a few blogs, many of them I skim, but several I look forward to on a daily basis, and I never tell them so. I've started digging articles, but I want to comment more too. Chris over at the Art of Nonconformity writes some inspiring stuff. He recently asked for some feedback, and it made me realize that I am not giving back for all that I am getting from all of my sources. I commented there, but one comment isn't enough.

The other day I linked to an article at Work Happy Now, and not only did Karl notice, he came over and commented on my post. So little things are appreciated, and I want to do more of them. Aside from composing some intelligent comments, I am going to try to compose a weekly-ish "link love" post to let them know I care. Even if I never become a great blogger, at least I can be a great blog reader!

Hey, stupid!

In the past week I feel like I've said more stupid and inconsiderate things than ever before. The worst thing, luckily, was just something that just came out wrong. The others were just not nice and I increasingly regretted them. When I was a kid, I can remember my father instructing me to think before I speak. I still don't, at least, I spend more time wishing I could take things back than I'd like. It is a source of anxiety for me, and I need to eliminate as many of those as I can. The anxiety is often caused by the though of someone finding out what I'd said. Whether it's the person I said it about, or someone that would be aghast that I said something of the sort. Solution: don't say things you wouldn't want everyone to know. Simple.

Unfortunately, I'm not a social genius. As I am sure is true for many, I know my motivation is not a malicious one. It's the one that struggles to be liked and takes the wrong means to get there.

I was inspired the other day by a post on Work Happy Now entitled Create the Work Atmosphere You Want. For me this post can be applied to all social situations, not just for interacting with coworkers. I want to take a more active role in conversation, rather than waiting until I can submit my experience to the story, as I so often always do. I want to be a better listener, to ask more questions to bring people out, and to remember their answers. This is how to get people to like you.

And for something specific, I want to stop labeling people and things as stupid. It's a terrible adjective, and one that I cannot bear to have assigned to me, to even perceive that it's been assigned to me or something I've done. I have a primal fear of being thought of as stupid. So why would I place this label on someone or something else? Awful.

This afternoon I had a brief conversation with a coworker that I don't often get to talk to. I asked him what his plans were for the long weekend, made a joke (I'll never be able to quell the urge to make people laugh), and didn't tell him what my plans were. He didn't ask, and that was OK. I felt really good when I walked away. I want more of that.

Bang, bang (A Sock Wars 3 post-mortem)

Last week I participated in my first Sock Wars. Wow, what a blur! I'm not a terribly fast knitter, so I didn't hope to win. I only hoped for some fun and perhaps to finish one pair of socks to make a kill. I bought a crazy color for my weapon. The Supreme Commander mentioned that the pattern was inspired by the comic book BANG! POW! bubbles, and so when I saw this, I couldn't help myself!



That first weekend that the pattern was released was nuts for me. It was my birthday weekend, and Mother's day. I didn't even get to cast on until Sunday evening. Monday I found out that my assassin had mailed my socks. Already.

At first I was disappointed when I learned of her great skill and speed. I didn't have lofty goals for this war, only to extinguish one soul.

I only just managed to turn the heel on my first sock before death arrived on my door. Wow. What a fine and beautiful pair of socks I died by.



I watched some of the drama unfold on the Ravelry boards. It's like a train wreck over there. Or maybe a lynch mob. Either way, I stayed uninvolved. What a mess. I hope the Supreme Commander knows that many more people had fun.

Even though it was a little sad to be eliminated so quickly, I got the most beautiful socks I've seen in this battle and made some friends in the process!

Concentration

Concentration. Rather than a game, something I lack. I try to do too much at once. I procrastinate. I daydream. I always have. I remember the nun calling me on it, then calling me on my eye-roll.

I need to meditate. I don't really even hesitate to claim it will solve all my "problems". I know it will help. I know I'm not going to make much progress on all my other things without it. There are too many of them. I need focus.

How to commit?

In the green

Total Net Worth $252.89

For the first time in over 15 years, I am in the green! This takes into account my almost $50K in student loan debt, which I've managed to offset in retirement savings. I figure the student loans will be gone at about the same time I'm eligible to use the retirement money. Heh. I honestly can't believe how fast it's happened, as I can remember it being -$20K in the not so distant past. I got a sizable graduation award from my employer when I finished my masters degree 2 years ago, but it didn't even account for half of that.

This has totally made my day. I'll be even more excited when my credit card debt is paid off. I'm aiming for year end.

Sleepless

It's been a busy week. I've averaged about 6 hours of sleep/night, which is much less than usual for me. I've had something going on every night, which has fingered me a goner with no kills in Sock Wars. This morning, quite amazingly, I got up at 5:15 to fit in a run. It's not enough. Yes, it's taking me forever to get through the C25K, but that's not what I'm referring to. I need to take better care of my diet.

Tonight I'm off to Red Robin for my birthday burger. (You are on their mailing list, right?)

Are you getting a good indication of my diet problems? I've been making excuses. When I have my own kitchen, I'll stock more whole foods. I'll eat healthier. As if I'm powerless right now. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the childishness of my overeating. Oh, and the laziness. Berating myself will help, right?

The JP Morgan Chase Corporate Challenge is exactly two weeks away. I'm planning on a run/walk. I'm going to play it by ear, but since I won't have finished the C25K, I should take walk breaks. Jay found out he has an exam that night and won't be able to run. I'm pretty disappointed, I love racing with him. Not that I can compete, I just love loving a runner.

Greener goals

I think it's time for me to take a more active interest in all things green. I try to be conscious of my actions, but the things I do are just little things here and there. Like bringing my own grocery bag, recycling my plethora of print magazines, and refraining from buying bottled water. My sister even makes fun of me because I'm so terrible at recycling.

I think the environmental movement is something I could really get behind and become really passionate about. I have a bachelors in biology, so it's also something I can understand on a higher level and maybe even work toward professionally if I felt so inclined. I read several environmental blogs, but I need something with a little deeper substance. I've been wanting to start reading more non-fiction, and always linger around the "green" table at the local bookstores. I've never bought any of them, mainly because I'm not sure where to start, and with everyone jumping on the green bandwagon, I'm afraid to purchase without seeing some reviews. And there's the whole debt repayment thing. Plus, it seems silly to buy a book on this topic. I'm headed to the library.

May is DivaCup Month

Gentlemen, you'll want to tune out on this one.

Ladies, I feel a little funny writing about this topic, but it's one that's close to my heart. I'm doing you a disservice if I don't tell you about it.

The DivaCup has totally changed my period. No longer am I a slave to it. In fact, I only think about it twice a day. No more tampon changes in public restrooms. I haven't bought another feminine care product in the 1.5 years I've owned my DivaCup.

I won't lie to you, it did take me a couple months to get used to it. But I'm really glad I stuck with it. And it isn't for the faint of heart. You can't be afraid of your body to use the DivaCup.

According to the Lunapads website, May is DivaCup month. So check out the resources there (FAQ, how-to guide, testimonials) and maybe give it a try. Let me know what you think! I'll never go back.

Underspecializationed

That's just great. I'm cruising along, minding my own business, happier with my content, when Edward Mills reminds me that I don't have an expertise. Well, that's not exactly what he said, he says I do have one, everyone does. But what on this green earth is mine? Which one thing do I have extra knowledge of, knowledge that I can share?

I've been bothered by this question for a long time. A long, long time. I've amassed a collection of interests that I'm really happy with. I actively partake in each of them on a regular basis. I feel enriched, it's swell. Is that OK? Is it enough to have varied interests and to specialize in none of them? I don't know if it is for me. And I don't know what to do about it.

Or maybe I am doing something about it right now. Maybe that is what this blog is for. Eventually a pattern will emerge from all these words. When I recognize it, I can begin feeding it and give it a name.

Pocket change

As I try to make up for my cruise indulgences on my revolving VISA, it has begun to pain me that I have no emergency savings. Repaying that balance is my priority, but how can I prevent it from getting out of control against my will if I'm always trying to make up for what's already happened?

I manage my finances from paycheck to paycheck. My "budget" consists of a list of my bills by paycheck on a sticky note. Come payday (today), I immediately pay all of my bills with the remainder going to credit cards. When calculating how much I have left to pay on credit cards, I round each bill up to the nearest $5. I also allot $100 per bimonthly paycheck for cash. Since I withdraw in $40 increments, usually I have $20 of that 100 left at the end of the pay-cycle. Add in spare change due to rounding. On this particular payday, I had $25 left in my checking account. Usually this $25 would get rolled into the next paycheck's credit card payment.

But what if it was more like change in my pocket that got emptied at the end of the day? This was a highly encouraging way for me to look at it, I've heard how fast pocket change accumulates. I say heard since it seems you need to be a guy to take advantage of the actual pocket change savings method, as women's pockets are designed not to carry anything at all.

Thus, I renamed one of my (empty) ING savings accounts to "emergency fund" and transfered that $25 into it. With this new account name, I'm reminding myself that it is only available for use on Unplanned Necessary Expenditures. Not for when I've overshopped or when my VISA "just gets too high" for me to payoff that month. That would be through my will not against. I'm hoping that the knowledge that the remainder is now going toward savings will keep me from getting that bagel in the morning just because I have cash. That if f I don't spend it, maybe I'll end up with more to save. And that's good for my savings and my waistline.

Shift knit

Over the cooler months, I obsessed about socks. I finished 2 pairs as gifts, three to self, and have yet three more still on the needles. The bad news: I'm just about done wearing socks for the next 4 or so months. I'll probably finish one of the pairs as it's pretty mindless. And as they're called Campfire socks, I kinda want to take them backpacking. Otherwise, I think I'm through with socks for now. But not with knitting.

Time to shift gears. I've moved all of the toys in my Ravelry queue to the top, and last night I knit Zoë a mouse and stuffed it with catnip. She was only marginally impressed. Maybe I was too skimpy on the catnip.



I really want to knit some food. Strawberries & cupcakes are of particular interest. I see it as a sort of diet strategy. Crochet the coveted cupcake rather than consuming it. Mayhap an octopus. There's a whole Flickr group about octopi. I want to contribute! Some of it will have to be crochet, as most toy patterns that I've seen are written as such. I need to start small and simple, as the robot doll of yesteryear frustrated me and put these fun and games on hold. Maybe I'm just not that great at crochet.

Daffodil meadow

I started noticing daffodils in the past few days and decided it was time for my yearly pilgrimage to Daffodil Meadow. It's about 0.7 from parking, which is across the street from work. A nice enough length of an hour's lunch. So on Friday during that's what I did.

On my way I got to see some Trillium and various other Spring flowers.



When I got there I was not disappointed. The meadow was in full swing.





And I saw my first toad of the year. Amazingly I did not harass him (at least I'm sure that's the way he would have viewed my affections).



This is the dork that I look like when I go hiking during my lunch, or after work:



Hey, I'm short, and I don't want my jeans to get dirty.

Detox daydreams

As I mentioned, I frequented the spa while on the ship more than I should have. One of the themes surrounding my visits was detox. My first related trip involved a metabolism analysis. They hooked me up to a machine with electrodes placed on my hands and feet. By sending a small current through my body they were able to analyze my lean muscle weight and supposedly, my water retention. Peter said that toxins are fat soluble and so become part of your fat cells, then water surrounds the fat cells to protect your body from the toxins. He prescribed a 9mo detox supplement that was a sure way to remove the toxins from my body, thus releasing the excess water while also boosting my metabolism. I was intrigued without the intent to purchase. Sadly my interest just encourages them, but I knew I couldn't spend $300 on the first 3mo of the plan, regardless of how curious I was.

Although the hard sell was a bit annoying, one of the positives I gained was the reinforcement of some things I've already tried to disincorporate from my diet, such as all types of soft drinks, including diet and regular. I've been trying to eat less meat and eating less processed foods is also on my list. Whenever I look at those zero-fat, yet suspiciously still tasty snacks now, all I can hear those sweet words from the Skinny Bitch authors: "chemical shit-storm." Changing your eating habits takes time and so I do what I can. I am still often weak, but try to at least to critically observe what I'm doing. This little bit of positive reinforcement from Peter made it worth the $30 I spent on the analysis. Plus the printout from the machine was pretty cool!

For my next detox spa treatment I indulged in what I've later determined as a complete waste of money: Ionithermie. They lathered me up with some mud & put electrodes on me to stimulate my muscles. I was measured before and after, and found to have lost the completely unbelievable amount of 12 inches. I believably feel 100% the same. The one thing I've taken away from this was the prescription of dry brushing your skin. I didn't buy their $44 dollar brush though, I got the $6 one from ULTA when I got home. I'm hoping it'll stimulate my circulation and remove some dead skin cells.

When I got home I looked into some more detox programs online, including the one pushed on the ship. What I found was that there weren't very many reviews that seemed like they were from real people. Each one had the ring of marketing surrounding it. And some of them had elimination stories that were down-right frightening! Today the Diet Blog I read had an article entitled 4 Reasons Why You Don't Need to Detox. More validation, yay! So essentially I'm going to continue attempting to limit my intake of unnatural chemicals, and look into including some more fiber into my diet.

Infusistic Indulgence

I think I came to a realization today. I like poetry! Well, some of the devices of poetry and applying them to my writing. I've found the missing link in my blog. I thought this venue too dry but not so. I can hear the metre in my head again, whether you can or not. Whether it's ever truly been there or not. I used to write with whimsy and I've missed it. I can find places to infuse words that you might not expect them there. To me, those tiny trespassers adding music. This post, a little thick, I know, but somehow subtler within my goals and interests I can place them.

Self-indulgent? Perhaps. Who would you rather I indulge?

And so I'll continue to write about something somehow more mundane, but less so now. Writing and revising long after you've read until I feel it's finished. I feel much better now.

Dear 43 Things, please add 'study poetry' to my list. Also, mark 'come up with a catchy name for my blog' complete!

No work and too much play

I spent way too much money on the cruise. I had a couple of spa treatments that were essentially a complete waste of money. Partially because it was just a means for them to try to sell me additional products. Don't take my money and then ask for more. I expect things like that locally, but on a cruise ship I just want to relax without being hassled to buy things after an already overpriced treatment. It'll take me a few months to climb out of that hole on my revolving credit card just to get back to where I was. When I got back I immediately purchased my sleeping back for backpacking. That was a known upcoming expense though and completely acceptable. Plus I found it for 25% off + free shipping. Now when the REI anniversary sale gets here I can use that coupon to purchase our water filter.

In positive financial news, I have started depositing $100/mo into my Vanguard IRA. Which I'm really happy about. It's a tough time to decide to invest but waiting is an even less appealing option. I may as well be building wealth while I climb out of debt.